I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
