I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
