Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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