sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
two words: eviction party
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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