i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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