You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just pee around me
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
