I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
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His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
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The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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