My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
