I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
