I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
it's like iHOP with fire
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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