I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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