Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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