i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
