i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
