My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
