i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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