I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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