Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
