The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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