You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
