Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
