I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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