I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
