got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think your dad took our porno
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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