my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
