Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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