No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
