OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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