Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
