is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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