i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
