Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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