New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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