I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
