he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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