Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
