Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
