too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
