Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
