The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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