Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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