grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
