i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
