I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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