im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
