We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I could make wine with my vomit
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Randomize
