There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
