Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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