mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
