you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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