I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
