I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
