she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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