if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
